fun with links

A lot of times I try to be funny. This is why I used to tell people I’d met my significant other over the internet. Today internet dating is common, doesn’t have an awkward air about it, and has rendered my old response obsolete. It isn’t funny because it’s true.

fun with links

A lot of times I try to be funny. This is why I used to tell people I’d met my significant other over the internet. Today internet dating is common, doesn’t have an awkward air about it, and has rendered my old response obsolete. It isn’t funny because it’s true.

grateful for what i have

Instead of what I don’t.

duh justin, try and remember what you do with your possessions

ironic, dontcha think (in an alanis morissette kind of way)

duh justin, try and remember what you do with your possessions

ironic, dontcha think (in an alanis morissette kind of way)

steal this blog

Most people like buying souvenirs when they are on vacation, I prefer to steal mine. This is a fish fork I stole from one of the restaurants I had oysters at while on my honeymoon in Oacracoke Island last year.
I took this fish fork from one of the restaurants I had oysters at during a recent trip to Cape Cod.



I just got back from St. Louis. No oysters there, but I did bring back this $1 chip from the casino where I won two hundred dollars.


That was nice, but the real steal on this trip was the unbelievably low price of alcohol! This bottle of Jameson costs thirty-two dollars at my local neighborhood liquor store. I don’t know if you can see it, but the price on that bottle reads $21.99, can you believe it? Thank you, state of Missouri, for making me feel like I’ve committed high way robbery.

you always have to throw out the first pancake

About a month ago I decided that I was going to try standup comedy. I committed my self to a venue and a date, and last night I preformed three to five minutes of original material at my favorite bar’s open mic night. Yea me!

My material didn’t come out the way I’d rehearsed it, I talked 175 words a minute (that’s a literal ratio), the nicest way to describe my performance is to say to was bad, and it is one of the best things I have ever done in my entire life.

I had a hard time preparing for the event and I realized that, left to my own devices, I’d never really prepared for anything before. I’d written papers without reading the books they were on. I‘ve never spent more then two hours studying for a test. It took me five tries to get my drivers license because I wouldn’t practice the maneuverability and continuality failed. The worst part is that I have spent a lot of time feeling good about the fact that, while only putting forth a nominal amount of effort, my life is just fine. Nothing more… just fine. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m sick of being fine and I’m not going to do just anything anymore. So I practiced. It was difficult to stay focused on the work, I kept thinking ‘that’s good enough for now’ and would begin to allow my self to get distracted by something else. Sometimes I would overcome this urge, and even when I gave into temptation it wasn’t long before I was back on the road to Carnegie hall. I knew that backing out at the last minute because I wasn’t prepared wasn’t an option. It wasn’t an option because a dozen my friends and family members were coming to see me perform.

I needed to tell as many people as I could about my commitment to do standup. To me, each person who knew represented one less excuse I could make. The problem with telling all of these people about my performance was that many of them would want to see it. The problem with all of these people coming to see my performance was that, well, I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be very good.

Once I’d decided on making my comedic debut I came up with the idea for my first routine. After working with the idea for a while I started getting lots of other ideas for different routines. These ideas seemed more appealing than the first, better reflections of my personality. I almost strayed from my original vision but, as not finishing what I start is a habit I’m determined to break, decided to stick with it. Once I got over that hump a lot of walls started breaking down. I wanted this experience to be different, to be something that I could feel good about for my self, but I was having a hard time not daydreaming about the after show praise I was sure to receive. When I was committed to performing the material that had first come to me I realized that this was my first try at something and that, more likely than not, I was going to make mistakes and fall down and get hit with a cream pie and be sprayed in the face with seltzer water. All of that should be expected when you try something for the first time. At the very least I’d have to get used to the environment, the rhythm of telling jokes in front of an audience. I got the idea that uncertainties are inevitably linked to the very first of anything, and the only way to know how you will respond in situation is to pour your self out on the griddle. That’s just what I did and I was scraped off in a gooie mess, and that’s ok. There’s plenty of batter left.

Although it was bad, I conceder my performance a success. I learned a lot about standup and about my self. Best of all I was humbled for, as far as I can tell, the first time in my life. I was sure I had it all figured out, but when I was in the middle of it all I couldn’t have told you which way was up. It was sickening and it was wonderful. It brought about a major shift; focusing my consciousness in the direction I’ve been wanting to travel but haven’t been able to turn. On the horizon I can clearly see living a life based on the act.

you always have to throw out the first pancake

About a month ago I decided that I was going to try standup comedy. I committed my self to a venue and a date, and last night I preformed three to five minutes of original material at my favorite bar’s open mic night. Yea me!

My material didn’t come out the way I’d rehearsed it, I talked 175 words a minute (that’s a literal ratio), the nicest way to describe my performance is to say to was bad, and it is one of the best things I have ever done in my entire life.

I had a hard time preparing for the event and I realized that, left to my own devices, I’d never really prepared for anything before. I’d written papers without reading the books they were on. I‘ve never spent more then two hours studying for a test. It took me five tries to get my drivers license because I wouldn’t practice the maneuverability and continuality failed. The worst part is that I have spent a lot of time feeling good about the fact that, while only putting forth a nominal amount of effort, my life is just fine. Nothing more… just fine. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m sick of being fine and I’m not going to do just anything anymore. So I practiced. It was difficult to stay focused on the work, I kept thinking ‘that’s good enough for now’ and would begin to allow my self to get distracted by something else. Sometimes I would overcome this urge, and even when I gave into temptation it wasn’t long before I was back on the road to Carnegie hall. I knew that backing out at the last minute because I wasn’t prepared wasn’t an option. It wasn’t an option because a dozen my friends and family members were coming to see me perform.

I needed to tell as many people as I could about my commitment to do standup. To me, each person who knew represented one less excuse I could make. The problem with telling all of these people about my performance was that many of them would want to see it. The problem with all of these people coming to see my performance was that, well, I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be very good.

Once I’d decided on making my comedic debut I came up with the idea for my first routine. After working with the idea for a while I started getting lots of other ideas for different routines. These ideas seemed more appealing than the first, better reflections of my personality. I almost strayed from my original vision but, as not finishing what I start is a habit I’m determined to break, decided to stick with it. Once I got over that hump a lot of walls started breaking down. I wanted this experience to be different, to be something that I could feel good about for my self, but I was having a hard time not daydreaming about the after show praise I was sure to receive. When I was committed to performing the material that had first come to me I realized that this was my first try at something and that, more likely than not, I was going to make mistakes and fall down and get hit with a cream pie and be sprayed in the face with seltzer water. All of that should be expected when you try something for the first time. At the very least I’d have to get used to the environment, the rhythm of telling jokes in front of an audience. I got the idea that uncertainties are inevitably linked to the very first of anything, and the only way to know how you will respond in situation is to pour your self out on the griddle. That’s just what I did and I was scraped off in a gooie mess, and that’s ok. There’s plenty of batter left.

Although it was bad, I conceder my performance a success. I learned a lot about standup and about my self. Best of all I was humbled for, as far as I can tell, the first time in my life. I was sure I had it all figured out, but when I was in the middle of it all I couldn’t have told you which way was up. It was sickening and it was wonderful. It brought about a major shift; focusing my consciousness in the direction I’ve been wanting to travel but haven’t been able to turn. On the horizon I can clearly see living a life based on the act.

breaking up with blaux

Shannon Doherty, I was planning on telling you nicely that I wasn’t interested in watching your new show on Oxygen. But then I replaced the cameras used to tape Breaking Up With Shannon Doherty with hidden cameras and got a glimpse of what I was missing. After what I saw, you can kiss nice good-bye. Good job bringing guys who want don’t care weather they get broken up with or not on a show where their girlfriends break up with them via you. If you couldn’t tell I was being sarcastic about that. Your show reminds me of that home make over show with Lisa Renna where she doesn’t do anything but stand around ooh and aah at the designer’s designs. But your show is worse. Your show doesn’t have home make overs or a designer or Lisa Renna. Think about adding any one of these things to improve the show’s quality. I’ll never know if you make these or any other adjustments because you cant expect me to remain your home girl after what I just sat thru.

P.S. If you and your boyfriend Rick Solomon want to make a sex tape that’s up to you, but will you do me a favor and replace the old camera he used. I secretly replaced his normal camcorder with a hidden camcorder and that’s how that whole him and Paris Hilton got out. Thanks Bunches!

P.P.S. Sorry about that Parris Hilton sex tape America!

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

I just complained. For a good hour or so I complained about the things I’m annoyed by, and in doing so have come to a deeper understanding about why I’ve partitioned my life for so long. I’m very good at complaining. I can zero in on the one rough edge a thing has and turn it into a shard that sticks and twists into the gut of the matter until it makes you sick. I very rarely host bitchfests anymore, but when I hear that one is going on I will take any means necessary (even a greyhound bus) to attend. Because, generally speaking, bitchers tend to attract moaners, most of my relationships are with fellow complainers. So, while my initiation rate may have declined, my total amount of complaining has remained about the same. Since I don’t have much of an interest in politics or sports the bulk of my complaining is about other people. I spend a lot of time complaining to each person in my life about every other person in my life. And the final piece of the cubical that ties it all together; I have to keep all the people in my life away from each other so I can talk shit about anyone I please while maintaining a sense of security that what I say won’t get back to them. I now see the other side of the perfection coin I was laying down as a bet on why I keep all the areas of my life separate. They are tied together, tied to the fact that what I think other individuals want to see in me is someone who regards them above all else and the only way I know how to raise one thing up is to tear everything around it down. What is true for me now is that I want to leave this thinking and the behavior in the past, and at this point, though one might have been the cause and one the symptom, I cant work on getting rid of one while neglecting the other. I will never be able to squelch the need to be seen as perfect by others if I don’t stop complaining about them. This is going to be extremely difficult as the complaining is more like an addiction. If I was listing to the physical cues my body is giving me in this moment this entry would be very easily confused with the blog of a fourteen year old lamenting on how unfair life is. I, however, am going to do my best to be the twenty nine year old my drivers license says I am and allow the nausea of withdrawal wash over me as I contemplate how to act positively in the face of complaints. As I begin to take responsibility for the fact that part of the reason why so many people in my life don’t have any interest in getting along with others I know is because all I do is complain about that other person they don’t know. As I stay out of other peoples business, especially when it is brought to me. So… anybody wanna be my friend.

right tool for the job

perpetual success machine

I love how everything in my experience seems to tie together. I was watching the Real World and one of the girls was talking about how working with an entrepreneur made her realize that success isn’t a place you get but an ongoing journey. I’ve been thinking about the idea of living ones life as a process rather than a race for some time and have been trying to put into practice. I was trying to define success outside of this realm, focusing on trying to find it inside of me rather than in outside response to me. This morning it came to me that beyond seeking outside validation, I also look to others to provide me with options to ultimately move my life forward. If I am involved in something and I’m enjoying proud of my self, but the engagement is limited, when it ends I don’t seek out or try and create new opportunities in this direction. I end my involvement unless someone offers me an opportunity. Likewise, when I am in a tolerably bad situation I stay in it because I don’t see (nor am I actively looking for) any better option. I’ve known about my laziness for some time, but this morning I actually understood it. My normal MO is to go thru great spurts of effectiveness and then allow myself to atrophy prolonged periods of inactivity. I didn’t understand how to focus before, didn’t know what a positive risk was, and today I get to make a change. It is my intention to approach all things openly and without expectations. I will continue on with them until it is clear to me that they are not going to work for me. And when I am in a situation where I am performing at a lever that I am proud of I intend to find new opportunities so I can grow and be a perpetual success machine. And just so you know I was washing dishes while the Real World was on (see previous post). I don’t normally watch the show (at least not this season) and am happy to have seen the one on today. I love those little hints that you are on the right path.

i need a dishwasher

How do I connect with my desire in this situation? I currently see not having a dishwasher as a shortage. Maybe the way to connect to abundance is to focus on the things you have. I mean I guess that’s the only thing to do. So I hereby rename this entry to ‘I am grateful for the abundance that continually flows into my life’.
I choose to focus on this mantra rather than my dishpan hands.

the votes are in

Worst smell in the world: Trash can full of trash including food waist that has been sitting in the hot hot house for too too long because you forgot to take it out before you left town mixed with ash tray full of cigarettes you decided to smoke inside the house while staying up until five A.M. drinking.

Best smell in the world: Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden

saturn in blaux

I’m a little over half way thru my Saturn return. As I am an Aries, the only things I know about astrology are those that apply to me directly (if you know anything about astrology this should not surprise you) so from the way I understand when someone refers to Saturn return they are talking about Saturn returning to the same spot on a person’s chart as it was when they were born. Painful tests that trigger transformation are famously associated with the return of Saturn, just ask Gwen Stefani. Many people warned me of this fate as I approached my 28^th birthday and the sixth planet approached the fifth house. I received several hoity toity astrology books focused on Saturn and what to expect, but these never do me any good because they make it easy for you to blame any discomfort on your chart and, more dangerously, begin to extract yourself from life experiences because the placement of the planets seem to be erecting a hurdle. Now I’m all for thinking twice before signing a contract when mercury is in retrograde, hell my husband and I were legally married before our wedding day because cosmically speaking it was a better day, but when you go into a situation with expectations of failure because of how the planets are aligned I think that is going to far.
Astrology should not be used as a tool of pessimism. I wanted to know what I needed to work on during this time so I don’t have the ‘lord of karma’ following me around for the next thirty years. I found my greatest tool to be Surviving Saturn’s Return a book by these two astrologers who write for teen vogue. It’s the best because it tells you what Saturn is expecting of you. So I read at the onset of my Saturn return last July and this past year has been an amazing adventure, in re reading the book (or rather the chapter about Saturn in Leo… remember I’m an Aries) I was reminded of the fact that all of the growth I’ve been experiencing was tipped off by one form of rug or another being pulled out from under me. My most recent, and to date biggest, revelation has been that I need to learn how to accept outside accolades and feel good about them while building a since of self worth that is independent of them. And wouldn’t ya know it, my pocket survival guide tells me that this is one of Saturn’s biggest tests. I haven’t quite gotten it yet, but I have until September 2, 2007 to complete the written essay and submit it for grading. I’m sure I’ll at least get an 8-9. Its just another step in this path where I find myself shoved into a variation of my worst nightmare – the one thing I never thought I could survive – and then facing that which I never thought I would face, coming thru with an astounding new since of self. It puts me in such a state of elation that I can’t wait to see what I will get to go thru next. Then in the future, when I realize I’m not dreaming and have to survive another nightmare, I always seem to catch my self and remember that this is exactly what I wanted and in the end I do far more than survive. I see Saturn as a loving older relative who really wants the best for you but has less than desirable communication skills. And if my 68-year-old aunt is to old to change her ways, how much can one expect from someone, who’s like, infinity?

nick and aaron carter have this new reality show with their sisters

and one of the sisters is named BJ

the cats have been in the Chinese food again

what's she growing in there?

this is what i found while walking home from the bookstore

what i found

If no one else existed I could finale be happy

I got mad again and this time I had a lot more to see. I got mad today because I had all these expectations about the way things were supposed to be and when I was thrown a bunch of curves I couldn’t deal with it. I suspected those pitching to me of throwing spitballs and I stomped around and crossed my arms and yelled like a good baseball manager should. But then I remembered that I am not in the sports industry and have a life of integrity to live, and that’s when I made my expectation revelation. I saw that I didn’t even know I had these expectations until I was reacting to them, and can see how people like those I was upset with yesterday are simply in a similar position, reacting to a world they hadn’t bargained for. And so I forgave myself for being selfish and expecting everything to work the exact way I thought it would. Then I apologized to the people I was laming for my unhappiness. Now I am leaving town and I only expect to expect nothing.

Sailors delight

Sailors delight

this blog contains curse words

In this moment I am angry. When I’ve bee angry in the past I have kept my feelings inside and ignored them until I don’t notice it any more. This time I’m trying something different.
I just spent some time beating up my pillows and then throwing a little temper tantrum in my bed. While I did this I made angry noises (which consequently left my throat a bit raw) and spoke the specific things that were making me mad.
I Hate You – you always make everything about you – don’t act like I need to accommodate you, I’m the one doing you a favor – you are a selfish little baby who needs to get all the attention because it’s the only way you can feel important – the world doesn’t revolve around you – you are a stupid bitch – I HATE YOU!!!
It was a new experience for me and it felt good to feel and name my anger. It’s not completely out, but it’s high, in my ribs, not in my gut where it hit me in the first place. I’m proud of my reaction, I’ve wanted to react this way to things that make me angry in the past, but I haven’t remembered my intention until I had already swallowed the rage. I’m taking it as a good sign that I’m on the right path in terms of handling the unexpected. And now that I’ve let it out I can look at my anger. I think one of the reasons I would always try and keep my anger to my self has to do with control. If someone made me angry I wouldn’t tell them, I’d just mentally mark one against them and for each demerit I would keep more and more of my self from them. It was a from of punishment that I wasn’t totally aware of. In fact it used to really piss me off when others would apply this balancing act to their relationships. The fact that what used to piss me off is really what I needed to change lets me know that whatever I am upset about now has more to do with me than the other person. Or maybe I’m just being self-centered. Because that’s what’s upsetting me. I can’t stand people who have to make everything about them. What ever you do where ever you go everything that happens has to be formed to fit their lives and what is good for them. Urrrrrr… I’m getting unsettled just thinking about it. But why? No better yet; how? How can I find the opportunities in this? Do I need to put my self-centered needs in check? Are these crazy people in my life to teach me some sort of lesson about humility or being assertive? The answers are not to be found in this blog, but I will continue to meditate on this, feel my rage when it presents it self and figure out if when and how to confront these people about the way they make me feel. All I know for sure is that when I have mastered this annoyance another will not be to far behind.

reconstruction

I have for many years been in the habit of keeping my self invisible. I rarely let any one in on my life and more importantly have a long list of those I strive t keep out. I would tell stories about my life in hiding, stores that ranged from not wanting to connect with others so I was not at risk of loosing anything if I lost them to the simple self-centered idea that no one in the world could possibly understand me so why bother. I realized this way of life was not working for me and set out to make a change. As I had been for so long leading a life in seclusion I had a lot of work to do. I knew I wanted to be open, but I didn’t know what to do, what actions to take, to bring my self into focus. And then I made the doll.
This doll is constructed entirely from materials I received and kept from one of the first people I ever hid my self from. I made it five months ago with the intention to change the circumstances surrounding my situation with those I hide and am hidden from. After it was complete I found the courage to open the lines of communication with this person and have steadily connected and reconnected with others. In breaking my invisibility habit I have become aware of another habit connected to this doll and the origins of my need to hide. I have been completely obsessed with deriving self worth from others. Now, I’ve known for quite some time that the reaction of others has been a major motivating factor in the way I live my life and have been working on shifting my focus to myself. In addition to seeking external rewards for my actions I now see that I have been hording complements and other’s ideas about me from the past and binge on them when I want to feel valued. In tack each part of this doll was a symbol of or an explicit explanation of what this person admired me for why they thought I was special. Weather I agreed with the sentiment or not I kept all of the evidence and would turn to it from time to time, thinking more often than not ‘look at this idiot who actually liked me’. It was imperative for me to hide from this person and so many others whom I have woven my self worth with. If they were real to me I couldn’t fall back on this fantastic net I've set up to catch me any time I fall into self pity. In transforming the remains of this relationship into a doll I’ve come to see this person is a real person, they are not defined by their feelings toward me as I am not defined by the fact that they at one time thought I hung the moon. This has been an unexpected and quite freeing place to be. And yet I recently caught my self getting caught up in the feelings this person may or may not have for me. I couldn’t understand why I was back to this place again. And then it hit me; I have only begun to break this habit. I know that if I slip I can’t beet my self up but remind my self that I have a new definition of success to focus on. Either that or I can try replacing this habit with a healthier one… like smoking.

evening journal

tea and a movie

Dinner

Deconstructed mushroom turkey melt and elbow macaroni
Romaine lettuce with Dijon vinaigrette

it takes a lot of strength and courage to allow your self to be vulnerable

I once saw a butterfly newly emerged from its cocoon. Not yet knowing it was a butterfly, it negotiated motion from a caterpillar’s frame of reference – teetering on its butterfly legs under the forging dynamics of its new wings. I didn’t stay long enough to see the insect take flight and can only imagine that there was a moment where it realized these things which were throwing it off balance and hindering its advancement were actually tools it could use to progress in ways never before possible. Witnessing these butterfly baby steps opened my eyes to the fact that after a period of transformation we do not know who we are any more and instead of fighting to do things the way we had in the past must experience the world in our new state and discover the new avenues available to us.
I recently saw inspiration in another butterfly. As a storm approached the winds blew erratic with the rhythm of waves stirring up riptides. The invisible currents were made clear as they caught up a butterfly and flung it to and fro. In a calm moment it didn’t seek shelter or safety on the ground, but flew up into a tree and perched in the foliage. The wind continued to blow and the branch the bug was on followed the whim of its gusts. Thru it all the butterfly remained in cluster of leaves. It didn’t cling tight but sat lightly sometimes hovering slightly above the bobbing branch – it didn’t need to be attached to it to be protected by it. Watching such a delicate creature seek solace in the middle of storm made me see the futility in running from tribulation. It isn’t simply that we need to face our fears, it just might turn out that the safest place to be is the place that looks the most dangerous. When looking at the world we must be sure we aren’t using our caterpillar eyes if we now know how to use our wings.

lunch at my desk

can you find the dirty book?

morning journal