giving up

it is clear that i won't wake up on August 25 and have a completely different life.  

I'm untying myself from the idea that things change drastically at the end of a process.  

I'm making a shift to live the life that is waiting for me.

Maybe i will read Finnegans Wake.

good bad and ugly

In an attempt to honer my path in life I'm going out there and just following it.  

I believe the best way to know I'm on my path is to do what feels good and makes sense to me.

One way I will do this is to follow my desire to be led by engaging in activities where i am being taught.. instead of seeking knowledge in solitude.  I love how much this makes sense to me and how the answer I've been looking for is totally wrapped inside the question itself.  It is a living example of how that which is good is not the same as that which is the opposite of what is bad.

Another practice i am adapting to is sitting with my feelings, especially the ones i don't want to be having.  I feel love and happiness when i am in the presence of most people at this time, but the few who are getting on my nerves are wearing them raw.  I don't wish to be using the word 'dick' to be describing the personality's of others, but the word seems to have rooted itself in my vocabulary.  

and now comes the time to practice

In the past i would spout off the thing i need to do in order to change my feelings, but not now.  Now I'm just going to sit with it (or try to any way) and see where the annoyance takes me.  I'm sure it will be exactly where i need to be.

I just hope i don't follow my life's path right into a jail where i must stay because i need to be punished for committing acts of wild castration.

right now

I'm getting overwhelmed thinking about all of the things i want to do and the limited amount of time there is to do such things in a day/week/year.  

What i'm thinking right now is that if I do the things i want to do (and not waste my time looking for the gratification that comes from working on and completing a project in places other than the work) then I will have plenty of time to make my self feel good and then some.

Today I also have the motivation to work on personal projects that only comes when a ton of other obligations must be met.  So its up and out for me and perhaps i will find some pockets of time that i can shine up and make all my own.

much more complicated than knowing the notes to sing

I have a nasty habit of viewing the lives of those i admire and think that if i had what they have / did what they do / valued what they value that i would have an admirable life as well.

Sometimes i really wish it could be as easy as that, and sometimes I'm grateful that it simply doesn't work that way.

Right now i feel like I'm on the verge, and weather i take flight from this point or end up falling and being spattered against the rocks below will be decided by how I approach making my life something that my dreams are made of.  I believe the best way to do this is to become more present in all aspects of my life, and so i have outlined some goals for myself for this summer.

(1) I have big projects to do around my house, but before i can think about attempting them I must clear out what is unnecessary from my home and organise those things that remain.

(2) I want to loose some weight and i want to feel healthy and energized and treat my body with the respect it deserves, and i am becoming more aware of what i eat (I plan to go on some sort of dietary cleanse as a way to give myself a fresh start in this endeavor) and exercising in a mindful and loving manor.

(3) I want to loose some weight, but i don't want to want to loose some weight.  I want to shift the way i think so i am seeking out supplemental materials  that promote a present mind and engaging in activities that allow me to practice being present.

These are broad explanations for the steps I believe it will take to find my voice.  I call it finding my voice because i want to take that spark of the eternal that is inside of me and go forth in all i do from that place.  My beliefs and standards are subject to change, but no mater song i want to be sure that it is clear who is singing.

worst nightmare

when i was a kid i had this paranoid idea that every one was against me, and that when i turned my back others would take their skin off and become skeletons.

(yes, i realize a lot can be read into this state of mind.)

so today i see this Tim Burton directed Killers video and I'm face to face with my biggest childhood fear.

And i ask myself, am i uncomfortable with the frightening idea i had as a child, or are grateful dead overtones that which truly disturb?

like a stained glass window

I recently was attuned to the first level of Reiki and have had a sporadic personal practice for the past couple of months.  One goal i have for myself this summer is to practice Reiki more regularly.  I started yesterday by offering Reiki to someone else for the first time.  I was working with my sister, and i feel bad about how i handled it.

The person who is going to receive Reiki is supposed to set an intention for them self that the giver supports during the session.  I was pushing my sister to listen to her self the way i listen to my self when setting my intentions.  But the thing is that there is no right ow wrong when it comes to Reiki.  Except if it is making the receiver feel that they aren't doing it right.  that is very very wrong.

It almost makes me want to cry when i think about how irresponsible i was.  But then i remember all the times my sister bit me when we were kids, so i'd say we are square.  I'll remember this the next time offer.

Later I practiced on myself.  I went thru the intention setting exercise and at the end i was asking myself what i was ready to know about being my self.  All that came to me were images of stained glass.  So I intended to be like stained glass.  As I allowed the energy to flow thru me the truth came to me that one can only appreciate the full brilliance of a stained glass window from the inside.

I think that's a perfect way to look at my own growth process as well as a nice reminder not to judge that of others, because i can't see whats going on inside.  

finding my voice: a project for the summer of '08

Some people have a problem choosing their battles, raging after every little thing they deem personally offensive until the world is so seemingly stacked against them it is only a matter of time until it topples over and crushes them.

Me, i have trouble fighting my battles.

I'm pretty sure I know what is worth getting upset about, but the thought of confrontation closes up my throat like in my nightmares where i'm too scared to scream.

And it isn't just standing up for what i believe.

There are so many things I want to put my energy towards, but when a starting place doesn't immediately present it self i shrug my shoulders, out on my blinders and direct my focus to the fruits of other people's labor.

And it's not only creative endeavors.

I want to be a person that I like.  I want to like me for me, not because what i do or say is pleasing to others.

And so I set out to find my voice.  This is the voice I will use to tell people about my opinions, the voice i will use to express myself.

This is the voice that will not sound weird when plaid back to me because it will not be the voice in my head, but the voice in my heart.