if you see me coming you'd better get out of my way

When I told my husband that I planed to go roller-skating he asked if I had protective gear.

“No” I told him, “I’m really good at roller skating.”

Over the past two days I've been really good at roller-skating; navigating slippery, wet track and steering expertly around tight, fast corners without even coming close to a fall.

Over the past two days I've also jammed my knee so hard on a table that it now hurts to bend and stubbed my toe so bad that it bled and made me feel as if I was going to throw up.

So I was right, I don’t need protection while roller-skating. It’s the twenty three hours a day when wheels aren’t strapped to my feet that I need padding.

art appreciation

Sixteen years ago I visited the National Gallery while on an eighth grade class trip to Washington D.C. It was the best day of the trip because, after a quick tour, we would be set free to explore the Smithsonian on our own. After being guided to the portrait gallery, and learning that the building we were in housed the only Da Vinci in the western hemisphere, we were told we had to ‘look around for a while’ before leaving for other parts of the complex. My sarcastic senses started tingling and I knew the best way to spend our required ‘while’ in the gallery.

Taking meaningful strides I lead my friends to a surprisingly small portrait. I stood in a pompous lunge with my hands on my hips for several seconds, then spun around and said “I’ve seen the Da Vinci, now we can leave.” Though my theatrics were meant to make my friends laugh, they also got a rise out of the other visitors in the gallery. Disgusted glairs followed us as we snickered and found our way to Krishna Fest, which was in full swing out on the mall way.

I was reminded of my middle school antics recently while reading an article about the new book Art for Dummies. In the interview the author of the book mentioned that while in the national gallery he overheard someone say that they didn’t understand what was so great about Da Vinci. At fist I thought ‘well played art museum patron, way to convey sarcasm through ethnocentricity.’ Later it dawned on me that maybe this person really didn’t get Da Vinci and it made me wonder why they were in the gallery in the first place.

Art appreciation is a noble pursuit, but only if it is something you really love. I think that person should have left the gallery and danced with the Hari Krishna. No one need struggle with the importance of Da Vinci for it will all be revealed to us on film soon enough when Tom Hanks teams up with Nicolas Cage in "National Treasure 2: The Da Vinci Code".

“At first I thought, ‘now I’ve got a problem.’ Soon after I began to think, ‘no, now I have an adventure.’”
– Paul Simon on writing Graceland

Ready to share the details of my life on the internet I was excited to find my desired web address available. While personalizing the settings on the site’s template, however, I ran into my first roadblock; the generic title bar only allowed for capital lettering. All caps just would not do to clearly convey the name of my blog. I had no choice but to create my own masthead and after an hour tinkering in photoshop I’d done so.
I thought my first attempt was adequate and must admit an ember of pride in my chest the first time I saw my masthead load on this site. As I’ve watched it pop up again and again I see it the way one might see the first draft of an English paper. I have an idea of how to better apply my precious little knowledge of photoshop to my next attempt and, better yet, I know what I want to learn more about.
So now on to the rest of my adventures. Check back often for new and improved mastheads, and maybe a few entries as well.

archiving reality

3-11-08

weather she drinks to much and ends up banging her BFF's TLA, or she simply have a brain tumor, every high school girl has a story behind her stupidity!!!

8-22-07
If you don't know what the term back door means, how can you promise never to do it?

7-26-07
One must think about self bestowed nicknames carefully, because when you tell people they can call you Evil Dick you will ultimately be referred to as ED.

7-15-07

Having recently turned thirty I find myself to young to be a contestant on Age of Love, and to old to be a contestant on Age of Love.

6-16-07
I am all for the judges pointing out how horrible grown adults’ imaginations are on American Inventor, but what’s up with all the kids they make cry on that show?
Aren’t kids supposed to have good imaginations?

McNewsletter

1-22-08

9-22-07






9-6-07





7-1-07

6-16-07

getting married is as easy as 1 2 3 4 5

It seems like every television show one turns on these days has someone saying that marriage is hard work. As all women know though, the work it takes to keep a marriage together is nothing compared to the time and effort it takes to get a man to get down on one knee. It is especially difficult now that men have found out about many of the little get-him-to-marry-me tricks women were once able to use discreetly with confidence. This doesn’t have to mean detours on the road to matrimony. Simple variations, like this new take on getting-accidentally-pregnant-on-purpose, are enough to steer your man toward the alter at five miles over the speed limit!

1) Make sure you aren’t pregnant.

This may seem like a risky place to start, but trust the process. Men are very aware of women getting accidentally pregnant on porpoise and suspect this even when women get accidentally pregnant on accident. You must not be pregnant to throw him off the accidental on purpose pregnancy track.

2) Act distracted and distant for thirty six hours.

It is important not to attempt this during your man’s favorite sport’s season because he will not notice despondency on your part.

3) Just before the two of you leave for work one morning tell him you think you might be pregnant.

You want to get him to as the ‘what’s wrong’ question, but you need to take all of the emotional elements out of it because the fact that you aren’t replying with ‘nothing’ might set off a red flag. Try to get him to see you looking weak and sick while standing over the toilet as though you are thinking about vomiting.

4) Take a pregnancy test when the two of you are together again that evening.

Call him once during the day to ask how he’s holding up and to be sure he is thinking about the fact that he might be a father.

5) Act disappointed when the test comes back negative.

You first want to let him be happy and relieved. Then bring your hand to your forehead and, while keeping you posture tall, hang your head. It is important not to seem too sad or he might think you were trying to get pregnant all along. Be just sad enough that he feels the need to comfort you.

When a man finds out he isn’t going to be a father after worrying about it all day is in a state of euphoria comparable to orgasm, the main difference is that all of his blood is in his brain. In this state it is easy to get a man to commit to most anything and he will most definitely remember what it is he has promised to do. Thoughts of changing a dirty diaper are easily changed to thoughts of I do.

getting married is as easy as 1 2 3 4 5

It seems like every television show one turns on these days has someone saying that marriage is hard work. As all women know though, the work it takes to keep a marriage together is nothing compared to the time and effort it takes to get a man to get down on one knee. It is especially difficult now that men have found out about many of the little get-him-to-marry-me tricks women were once able to use discreetly with confidence. This doesn’t have to mean detours on the road to matrimony. Simple variations, like this new take on getting-accidentally-pregnant-on-purpose, are enough to steer your man toward the alter at five miles over the speed limit!

1) Make sure you aren’t pregnant.

This may seem like a risky place to start, but trust the process. Men are very aware of women getting accidentally pregnant on porpoise and suspect this even when women get accidentally pregnant on accident. You must not be pregnant to throw him off the accidental on purpose pregnancy track.

2) Act distracted and distant for thirty six hours.

It is important not to attempt this during your man’s favorite sport’s season because he will not notice despondency on your part.

3) Just before the two of you leave for work one morning tell him you think you might be pregnant.

You want to get him to as the ‘what’s wrong’ question, but you need to take all of the emotional elements out of it because the fact that you aren’t replying with ‘nothing’ might set off a red flag. Try to get him to see you looking weak and sick while standing over the toilet as though you are thinking about vomiting.

4) Take a pregnancy test when the two of you are together again that evening.

Call him once during the day to ask how he’s holding up and to be sure he is thinking about the fact that he might be a father.

5) Act disappointed when the test comes back negative.

You first want to let him be happy and relieved. Then bring your hand to your forehead and, while keeping you posture tall, hang your head. It is important not to seem too sad or he might think you were trying to get pregnant all along. Be just sad enough that he feels the need to comfort you.

When a man finds out he isn’t going to be a father after worrying about it all day is in a state of euphoria comparable to orgasm, the main difference is that all of his blood is in his brain. In this state it is easy to get a man to commit to most anything and he will most definitely remember what it is he has promised to do. Thoughts of changing a dirty diaper are easily changed to thoughts of I do.

loosing your voice is god’s way of telling you to shut up

Late last week I battled an annoying irritation in my throat and sinuses. Thankfully the pain and pressure subsided quickly and I’ve managed to pull thru with a couple of residual symptoms. In addition to itchy eyes I’ve been left with only limited use of my voice. I haven’t been to a doctor, haven’t even visited WebMD, but I’m calling my vocal malady laryngitis. I’d originally wanted to call it phase eight in the evolution of my own personal sexy. Funny thing about loosing your voice though, it makes it difficult to call anything… or any one… or place an order at the drive thru. Every attempt I’ve made at a witty repartee (read sophomoric sex joke) that has been met with this new dumbness has made me see how dumb I’ve been all along. In considering weather what I have to say is worth squeaking thru my clogged pipes has made me realize; I say a lot of stupid things, a lot. Maybe my time without a voice will turn me into the kind of person who thinks before they speak. Either that or I will get real concise with my penis euphemisms.

loosing your voice is god’s way of telling you to shut up

Late last week I battled an annoying irritation in my throat and sinuses. Thankfully the pain and pressure subsided quickly and I’ve managed to pull thru with a couple of residual symptoms. In addition to itchy eyes I’ve been left with only limited use of my voice. I haven’t been to a doctor, haven’t even visited WebMD, but I’m calling my vocal malady laryngitis. I’d originally wanted to call it phase eight in the evolution of my own personal sexy. Funny thing about loosing your voice though, it makes it difficult to call anything… or any one… or place an order at the drive thru. Every attempt I’ve made at a witty repartee (read sophomoric sex joke) that has been met with this new dumbness has made me see how dumb I’ve been all along. In considering weather what I have to say is worth squeaking thru my clogged pipes has made me realize; I say a lot of stupid things, a lot. Maybe my time without a voice will turn me into the kind of person who thinks before they speak. Either that or I will get real concise with my penis euphemisms.