solution

I think 2009 is going to be the best year ever.  My New Years resolution is to do everything I can to support and bring out the best.  I know I know I know that i can't just make things be awesome or think my way into a good situation.  But what i can do is seek out happiness... the kind that is hidden, either behind struggle or in the mortar of the mundane.  I will find it and I will cherish it and share it with those around me.  I will find it and allow it to lead me where it may. 

procrastination can be fun

Well I've made a pretty sizable dent in my holiday to do list, but I'm, like, totally over making any more progress at the moment.  It is my habit to gain a little momentum and then coast.  But I'm happy with the things I have finished and if High School is any indication I will totally get everything done right on time.  OK maybe if I make myself clean my kitchen I will be more than happy to jump into a holiday project!

yuck

why is it that every time i make a proclamation about changing my life i get sick?

the three words that best describe me are as follows and i quote: stink, stank, stunk!

There are two reasons I hate this time of year.

First there is the holiday side of things.  I used to think I got all stressed about Christmas time because of what others were doing.  

Others who wanted to give me pricey gifts.  Others who sent me cards.  Others who baked and even more who would decorate.  

It makes me want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE!  I see that what I'm really saying here is 'please, don't put me in your thought because you most certainly won't be in mine.'  That's not very nice at all.  But the conventional way cheer is spread just feels fake when i attempt it.  This got me thinking that maybe taking a new approach to the holiday season, making it mine, was just what it might take to grow my heart a couple of sizes.  

But this thought came on December 16th, much to late to turn things around this year, right?  I was on the verge of strapping my self in for my last rocky holiday and make it my new years vow to create my own Christmas vision to share with those I love in '09.  And that encapsulates the second reason I hate this time of year.

I'm a sucker for a clean slate.  I love t wait till conditions are perfect to start something new and the promise of a new year is the perfect excuse to wait to get something started.  And in 31 new years this approach has never once worked for me.

So here's what.

I've implemented the Christmas makeover for '08.  When I begin to feel stress i do my best to remember what ever I'm in the presence of isn't there as an attack on me, but as a reminder of how much i am loved.  I am putting all of those reminders into the mementos of love and cheer I will give as gifts (i figure if i give gifts the fact that i didn't get cards out won't be a big deal).  And the grand ideas I have now that will not be realized in the next week, well maybe they will find their way under a tree next year.

But my momentum is not only focused on projects that must get done before next year.  I've decided not to wait for some ball to drop and have started work on some things I've been planing for a while.

Might as well has been a mantra of mine.  For some time it has been an excuse to waste time while waiting for some arbitrary new life start date.  But now I'm thinking, might as well start my new life today.

I've got to admit it's getting better

Though I might not know where things are going, i've got the feeling they are going to be OK.

It's cold out today and it feel like it's been as dark as it is now at 6:30 since 3pm. Right now I'm not in a bad mood, but not in a very good one either. It's probably seasonal depression. Or hormones. Or a low brought on from my post thanks giving reduction in caloric intake. Or the nothingness that marks the time right before a change takes place. Right now I feel like I don't amount to much, like I've gotten so deep into trying to make myself into someone else that the only thing left for me is to start making myself from scratch.