reconstruction

I have for many years been in the habit of keeping my self invisible. I rarely let any one in on my life and more importantly have a long list of those I strive t keep out. I would tell stories about my life in hiding, stores that ranged from not wanting to connect with others so I was not at risk of loosing anything if I lost them to the simple self-centered idea that no one in the world could possibly understand me so why bother. I realized this way of life was not working for me and set out to make a change. As I had been for so long leading a life in seclusion I had a lot of work to do. I knew I wanted to be open, but I didn’t know what to do, what actions to take, to bring my self into focus. And then I made the doll.
This doll is constructed entirely from materials I received and kept from one of the first people I ever hid my self from. I made it five months ago with the intention to change the circumstances surrounding my situation with those I hide and am hidden from. After it was complete I found the courage to open the lines of communication with this person and have steadily connected and reconnected with others. In breaking my invisibility habit I have become aware of another habit connected to this doll and the origins of my need to hide. I have been completely obsessed with deriving self worth from others. Now, I’ve known for quite some time that the reaction of others has been a major motivating factor in the way I live my life and have been working on shifting my focus to myself. In addition to seeking external rewards for my actions I now see that I have been hording complements and other’s ideas about me from the past and binge on them when I want to feel valued. In tack each part of this doll was a symbol of or an explicit explanation of what this person admired me for why they thought I was special. Weather I agreed with the sentiment or not I kept all of the evidence and would turn to it from time to time, thinking more often than not ‘look at this idiot who actually liked me’. It was imperative for me to hide from this person and so many others whom I have woven my self worth with. If they were real to me I couldn’t fall back on this fantastic net I've set up to catch me any time I fall into self pity. In transforming the remains of this relationship into a doll I’ve come to see this person is a real person, they are not defined by their feelings toward me as I am not defined by the fact that they at one time thought I hung the moon. This has been an unexpected and quite freeing place to be. And yet I recently caught my self getting caught up in the feelings this person may or may not have for me. I couldn’t understand why I was back to this place again. And then it hit me; I have only begun to break this habit. I know that if I slip I can’t beet my self up but remind my self that I have a new definition of success to focus on. Either that or I can try replacing this habit with a healthier one… like smoking.