this blog contains curse words

In this moment I am angry. When I’ve bee angry in the past I have kept my feelings inside and ignored them until I don’t notice it any more. This time I’m trying something different.
I just spent some time beating up my pillows and then throwing a little temper tantrum in my bed. While I did this I made angry noises (which consequently left my throat a bit raw) and spoke the specific things that were making me mad.
I Hate You – you always make everything about you – don’t act like I need to accommodate you, I’m the one doing you a favor – you are a selfish little baby who needs to get all the attention because it’s the only way you can feel important – the world doesn’t revolve around you – you are a stupid bitch – I HATE YOU!!!
It was a new experience for me and it felt good to feel and name my anger. It’s not completely out, but it’s high, in my ribs, not in my gut where it hit me in the first place. I’m proud of my reaction, I’ve wanted to react this way to things that make me angry in the past, but I haven’t remembered my intention until I had already swallowed the rage. I’m taking it as a good sign that I’m on the right path in terms of handling the unexpected. And now that I’ve let it out I can look at my anger. I think one of the reasons I would always try and keep my anger to my self has to do with control. If someone made me angry I wouldn’t tell them, I’d just mentally mark one against them and for each demerit I would keep more and more of my self from them. It was a from of punishment that I wasn’t totally aware of. In fact it used to really piss me off when others would apply this balancing act to their relationships. The fact that what used to piss me off is really what I needed to change lets me know that whatever I am upset about now has more to do with me than the other person. Or maybe I’m just being self-centered. Because that’s what’s upsetting me. I can’t stand people who have to make everything about them. What ever you do where ever you go everything that happens has to be formed to fit their lives and what is good for them. Urrrrrr… I’m getting unsettled just thinking about it. But why? No better yet; how? How can I find the opportunities in this? Do I need to put my self-centered needs in check? Are these crazy people in my life to teach me some sort of lesson about humility or being assertive? The answers are not to be found in this blog, but I will continue to meditate on this, feel my rage when it presents it self and figure out if when and how to confront these people about the way they make me feel. All I know for sure is that when I have mastered this annoyance another will not be to far behind.