gravity isn’t the only thing that pulls you down

As I hand tint my once black and white world it becomes clear that Newton’s laws are generally inapplicable to human behavior. I react to behavior I find unsavory with an equal and opposite reaction. That might be how objects must act, but I have a brain. So instead of putting up the facade that I don’t matter in front of people who act as if the universe revolves around them, I will tell them in an honest and gentle way how their behavior makes me feel. I will work to reach a compromise where I show them respect, make them feel that they matter to me and make my self heard as well… ya got that?

ya wanna be on top?

Any one who has ever heard of Americas next top model will be completely surprised to learn that the woman who sings the shows theme song is in fact Tyra Banks herself! Damn you Tyra Banks for making me continually switch back to your talk show with the promise of a secret involving both you and ANTM. Look bitch, just because you haven’t said something out loud on TV doesn’t mean it’s a secret. What’s next? Are you going to reveal that one of your breasts is considerably larger than the other?

if i object

When a woman is sexually aroused the pigment in her lips flushes.When a woman wears lipstick she play on the ego of the person she wants to attract, making them feel like they arouse her.

namaste

While I understand that self-discovery and improvement occurs in a wave like pattern, it’s difficult at times not to feel like it is the turning of a page. I’m aware of the work involved most when I am sitting atop a crest because of the amount of work required to reach that height. I move forward quickly, sliding down the slope, and it’s when I’m wallowing in a trough that I find my self wondering ‘didn’t I already get past this?’

On my latest journey below the midline I saw all of the traits and behaviors I’ve been trying to transform present them selves in someone I know. I watched this person act the way I used to act and I saw them get the instant payoffs that make the behavior so easy to fall into. It all made me want to revert so badly, if only for ten minuets, so I could make sure every one knew how worthy and special and fun I am. But I didn’t. And even though I still had a strong reaction to the way this person was acting, I was able to recognize (even in the moment) why I was having that reaction. I didn’t get over it, I didn’t stop being pissed off, and I also didn’t do what I would have done three years ago and act like a baby to get attention and validation.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that in the midst of this most annoying ebb I have come to understand a new level of self-care. I have to feel my pain. In the past when someone would hurt me I would look at the ways they didn’t know any better and simply shake my head with superior indignation. I’ve recognized that I can’t go around thinking I’m better then everyone else, but it’s very difficult to think of someone who’s hurt you because of their inferior life skills as your equal. But then I got it; no matter what the circumstances are, if someone hurts me they hurt me and I carry around pain from the wound until I tend to the injury inflicted against me. I wouldn’t allow my self to feel hurt because I rationalized that those who hurt me didn’t know any better, but that left me with a whole lot of resentment. Great fodder for complaining, not so great for all this personal growth crap. I have been getting the second part right, I can’t blame any one for not living beyond their potential, but that doesn't mean anything with out the first part, without recognizing that I’ve been injured and that I need some taking care of. When I do this I feel empathy instead of superiority.

Now the trick. Some wounds are clearly cut, but the ones where I can’t stand the sight of me in others, those are a little more jagged. It’s going to take some work because I’m not sure where the hurt is or what kind of pain I am experiencing. I’m going to have to do a lot of digging and get to the root of this indigestion. Because it is very clear, by the nature of my anger, that the person I will have to forgive the most for trespassing against me is my self.

after Paris Hilton was incarcerated for drunk driving sister Nikki said that the cops only arrested Paris to make an example out of her.

I mean honestly, drunk driving never hurt any one! Just ask Ellen DeGeneres, or that woman who started MADD.

what? a day?

From 7:10 pm to 7:45 pm I did the following things in this order:

Left for yoga

Stopped for train for five minute

Arrived at yoga studio

Found out class had been canceled

Left yoga studio for home

Stopped for a different train at the same crossing as before, this time for seven minute

Arrived home

What do I believe the universe was telling me? Either that there is no real threat of fossil fuels running out any time soon, or that no amount of refined oil is as valuable as seeing a sunset drip over power lines to glaze tree lined brick roads.

stop me if you’ve heard this one before

It’s rare for me to come across people that I see my self in. By ‘seeing my self’ I mean that I relate to the personal motivations behind the way someone does something; tells a joke, shows devotion to their family, chooses an outfit. My normal reaction to this type of person is to treat them as though they are guidebooks to my path of enlightenment. I think ‘this is how I should tell stories to get my point across with humor’ or ‘the way to create the cozy home life I want is to learn how to make these sorts of quilts.’ Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of my self in the work of others. I thought my self to be strangely lucky to happen upon more personally relatable people in five days than I’d met over the past five years and almost immediately my thoughts turned toward emulation. I’ve been pretty good at recognizing why I am doing different things and divorcing my self from actions that are for the soul benefit of others. Looking for cues from outside sources seemed in keeping with my determination to live life on my own terms. Soon I got it. Didn’t I remember; I’d already determined that the map of ones life was something to be drawn, not followed. Once this set in I almost allowed my self to fall into a hole of self-pity. Knowing other people who share my sensibility are out there left little space for me. In the past this thinking would have carried enough self doubt to fill one hundred black balloons, the fact that I only made a quick cameo at the pity party shows me I have come a long way baby. I am devoting my self to things that I feel good about, building my confidence from within, and the foundation this has set is too strong to be swept away by a little negativity. It’s clear that what I have invested in my self is turning me into more than someone who conforms to the norm in their own unique way, into someone truly special. I took another look at those I felt might have all the answers and could see them as friends who might have advice to offer, or even want to explore a totally new question together. Since we both think along the same lines its safe to say that we will each come to our own conclusion.