namaste

While I understand that self-discovery and improvement occurs in a wave like pattern, it’s difficult at times not to feel like it is the turning of a page. I’m aware of the work involved most when I am sitting atop a crest because of the amount of work required to reach that height. I move forward quickly, sliding down the slope, and it’s when I’m wallowing in a trough that I find my self wondering ‘didn’t I already get past this?’

On my latest journey below the midline I saw all of the traits and behaviors I’ve been trying to transform present them selves in someone I know. I watched this person act the way I used to act and I saw them get the instant payoffs that make the behavior so easy to fall into. It all made me want to revert so badly, if only for ten minuets, so I could make sure every one knew how worthy and special and fun I am. But I didn’t. And even though I still had a strong reaction to the way this person was acting, I was able to recognize (even in the moment) why I was having that reaction. I didn’t get over it, I didn’t stop being pissed off, and I also didn’t do what I would have done three years ago and act like a baby to get attention and validation.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that in the midst of this most annoying ebb I have come to understand a new level of self-care. I have to feel my pain. In the past when someone would hurt me I would look at the ways they didn’t know any better and simply shake my head with superior indignation. I’ve recognized that I can’t go around thinking I’m better then everyone else, but it’s very difficult to think of someone who’s hurt you because of their inferior life skills as your equal. But then I got it; no matter what the circumstances are, if someone hurts me they hurt me and I carry around pain from the wound until I tend to the injury inflicted against me. I wouldn’t allow my self to feel hurt because I rationalized that those who hurt me didn’t know any better, but that left me with a whole lot of resentment. Great fodder for complaining, not so great for all this personal growth crap. I have been getting the second part right, I can’t blame any one for not living beyond their potential, but that doesn't mean anything with out the first part, without recognizing that I’ve been injured and that I need some taking care of. When I do this I feel empathy instead of superiority.

Now the trick. Some wounds are clearly cut, but the ones where I can’t stand the sight of me in others, those are a little more jagged. It’s going to take some work because I’m not sure where the hurt is or what kind of pain I am experiencing. I’m going to have to do a lot of digging and get to the root of this indigestion. Because it is very clear, by the nature of my anger, that the person I will have to forgive the most for trespassing against me is my self.