decision '08

I've noticed that i've been saying things like 'well i like it and that's all that matters' a lot lately.  And while it is true that me liking something is all that matters it's a lie to have said i like many of the things I've said i liked.  And before i go to far, the things I'm talking about are things i've done or produced or decisions i've made.  like, ya know what i mean?

I have this uncanny way of knowing the least amount of work i must do to produce an outcome acceptable to others.  Or maybe that is just a fantasy.  Maybe I've just trained people to accept a certain level of wok from me and so they are cool with what they get, if they get anything at all.

hmm.  blogging really makes you think.

That thought actually goes right along with the decision I've made.  And that decision is to have confidence in myself.  because i believe all the lies i've been telling my self about the acceptance of the work i've done have just been an attempt to talk myself into having confidence.  And maybe faking it has propelled me into making it, but in a different way then I had expected.

I that i thought that if i just believed in what i was putting out i would just start putting out something i could believe in automatically.  Right idea, misplaced effort.

Now I'm coming at things from the opposite direction and believing in my self in at the beginning of a project, believing i can do what I've taken on.  This isn't to say I expect to be perfect at everything or even that i think I'm always going to succeed, just that i believe I'm the kind of person who can approach anything with confidence.

right now i feel like i'm stuck in a molasses swamp; anger is such a sweet spot to stew

Right now i am so pissed off and i really wish not to be.  I've been critiqued and that really makes me want to be critical of others.  I've framed my criticism many different ways, but there has been hostility behind every incarnation so i have kept my thoughts to m self.  The thing is that there is something inside me that needs to get out.  Mainly I want to speak proudly about myself and the things I do well... well maybe not talk about it, but i want to be Ok with feeling proud of myself and cary myself with confidence.  And now i see how my hostel reaction to criticism is tied to the way i am constantly thinking about how others will react before i take any action.  

Now I can't figure out if need to deal with my feelings about this situation before i can be happy with who I am, or if these feelings won't fall away until I figure out how to find my worth for myself.  I'm not even going to make a guess as to which is the right way.  But I might write a fairy-tail about it.  

the best thing ever about Scritti Politti

the best thing ever about Scritti Politti is that when you search them on YouTube you get a link to the best ABC song ever! (the following is just a representation of the video you will see... because you can't embed the real video.  I guess that ABC is experiencing the same sort of oppression Cameo endured...)

my camera phone sucks

my simple submission for a local draw-on-the-street-with chalk festival.  lots of kids seemed to like it, and really who is better to judge chalk drawings than little kids.

smell my feet

some illustrations i did for a recent project