I've got to admit it's getting better

Though I might not know where things are going, i've got the feeling they are going to be OK.

It's cold out today and it feel like it's been as dark as it is now at 6:30 since 3pm. Right now I'm not in a bad mood, but not in a very good one either. It's probably seasonal depression. Or hormones. Or a low brought on from my post thanks giving reduction in caloric intake. Or the nothingness that marks the time right before a change takes place. Right now I feel like I don't amount to much, like I've gotten so deep into trying to make myself into someone else that the only thing left for me is to start making myself from scratch.

right now i feel like i'm stuck in a molasses swamp; anger is such a sweet spot to stew

Right now i am so pissed off and i really wish not to be.  I've been critiqued and that really makes me want to be critical of others.  I've framed my criticism many different ways, but there has been hostility behind every incarnation so i have kept my thoughts to m self.  The thing is that there is something inside me that needs to get out.  Mainly I want to speak proudly about myself and the things I do well... well maybe not talk about it, but i want to be Ok with feeling proud of myself and cary myself with confidence.  And now i see how my hostel reaction to criticism is tied to the way i am constantly thinking about how others will react before i take any action.  

Now I can't figure out if need to deal with my feelings about this situation before i can be happy with who I am, or if these feelings won't fall away until I figure out how to find my worth for myself.  I'm not even going to make a guess as to which is the right way.  But I might write a fairy-tail about it.  

giving up

it is clear that i won't wake up on August 25 and have a completely different life.  

I'm untying myself from the idea that things change drastically at the end of a process.  

I'm making a shift to live the life that is waiting for me.

Maybe i will read Finnegans Wake.

right now

I'm getting overwhelmed thinking about all of the things i want to do and the limited amount of time there is to do such things in a day/week/year.  

What i'm thinking right now is that if I do the things i want to do (and not waste my time looking for the gratification that comes from working on and completing a project in places other than the work) then I will have plenty of time to make my self feel good and then some.

Today I also have the motivation to work on personal projects that only comes when a ton of other obligations must be met.  So its up and out for me and perhaps i will find some pockets of time that i can shine up and make all my own.