Bohemian Rhapsodies or What I Should Have Turned In As An English Paper 20 Years Ago

Late in the fall of 1989 I was a lonely seventh grader laying across the very back row of seats in my mother’s minivan. My right leg was hoisted in the air as I had just twisted my ankle in gymnastics class and during the ride home I found solace in the idea that the pain I was experiencing in that moment would only serve to make me more interesting the next day at school. My entire existence at the time was a struggle to become interesting enough to conquer the many different ways in which I was experiencing pain. Then suddenly, for the first time since cliques and boys and the need to fit in had overtaken my life, I was jolted out of thoughts of inadequacy. Five minuets and fifty five seconds of music mesmerized me and when it was over I sat straight up and asked, “What was that?” Queen changed my life that night. The story of a poor boy who nobody loved woke me up to the fact that beyond the confines of what other people thought about me there lay a world of beauty waiting patiently for me to take notice, and that thought I may have felt like I was the only person in the world who didn’t have a place I was far from the first person to ever feel that way. Since then Queen’s music has excited and comforted me and will no doubt accompany me along rest of my journey. So Brian, Rodger, John and Freddie please know; there are many times you still make me cry, and every time I hear one of your songs I always smile.

technology redux

I'm testing different technology to see how it works and if it will work for me. WEEEEEEEE

technology

Yesterday I got a new phone. It isn't anything too fancy, juts a phone with a slide out keyboard and unlimited texts and Internet. It's a lot nicer than my old phone and is totally inspiring me to get my friends on twitter.
And oh yea, I got an iTouch. I've already watched 2 eppisodes of Mr. Show while working out and it was the best workout in the history of the world. Now I'm sitting 3 feet from two different computers and using iBlog to compose this update. And even though I can't spell check this (yet) it will be known as the best blog entry ever!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

tweet

i mean blog

it's all around us

I'm a very happy girl.  So this whole idea to look for the joy that surrounds me sounds good, but it may be just a little to inside my comfort zone.  It is the spreading the joy that is the hard part, especially since those who I believe really need the joy are the ones who also make me the most angry.  And then i get to thinking that I can't make anyone happy, and I know that's the truth.  But I also don't have to horde my joy when I allow frustrating individuals to get all up in my craw.  When i get frustrated like that I can feel the joy being sucked out of me, but I know whats really happening is me wringing the joy out of my self.  So maybe I shouldn't try and spread anything.  Maybe I should just try and sit with what comes my way while holding the joy i have collected in my heart. 

solution

I think 2009 is going to be the best year ever.  My New Years resolution is to do everything I can to support and bring out the best.  I know I know I know that i can't just make things be awesome or think my way into a good situation.  But what i can do is seek out happiness... the kind that is hidden, either behind struggle or in the mortar of the mundane.  I will find it and I will cherish it and share it with those around me.  I will find it and allow it to lead me where it may. 

procrastination can be fun

Well I've made a pretty sizable dent in my holiday to do list, but I'm, like, totally over making any more progress at the moment.  It is my habit to gain a little momentum and then coast.  But I'm happy with the things I have finished and if High School is any indication I will totally get everything done right on time.  OK maybe if I make myself clean my kitchen I will be more than happy to jump into a holiday project!

yuck

why is it that every time i make a proclamation about changing my life i get sick?

the three words that best describe me are as follows and i quote: stink, stank, stunk!

There are two reasons I hate this time of year.

First there is the holiday side of things.  I used to think I got all stressed about Christmas time because of what others were doing.  

Others who wanted to give me pricey gifts.  Others who sent me cards.  Others who baked and even more who would decorate.  

It makes me want to scream LEAVE ME ALONE!  I see that what I'm really saying here is 'please, don't put me in your thought because you most certainly won't be in mine.'  That's not very nice at all.  But the conventional way cheer is spread just feels fake when i attempt it.  This got me thinking that maybe taking a new approach to the holiday season, making it mine, was just what it might take to grow my heart a couple of sizes.  

But this thought came on December 16th, much to late to turn things around this year, right?  I was on the verge of strapping my self in for my last rocky holiday and make it my new years vow to create my own Christmas vision to share with those I love in '09.  And that encapsulates the second reason I hate this time of year.

I'm a sucker for a clean slate.  I love t wait till conditions are perfect to start something new and the promise of a new year is the perfect excuse to wait to get something started.  And in 31 new years this approach has never once worked for me.

So here's what.

I've implemented the Christmas makeover for '08.  When I begin to feel stress i do my best to remember what ever I'm in the presence of isn't there as an attack on me, but as a reminder of how much i am loved.  I am putting all of those reminders into the mementos of love and cheer I will give as gifts (i figure if i give gifts the fact that i didn't get cards out won't be a big deal).  And the grand ideas I have now that will not be realized in the next week, well maybe they will find their way under a tree next year.

But my momentum is not only focused on projects that must get done before next year.  I've decided not to wait for some ball to drop and have started work on some things I've been planing for a while.

Might as well has been a mantra of mine.  For some time it has been an excuse to waste time while waiting for some arbitrary new life start date.  But now I'm thinking, might as well start my new life today.

I've got to admit it's getting better

Though I might not know where things are going, i've got the feeling they are going to be OK.

It's cold out today and it feel like it's been as dark as it is now at 6:30 since 3pm. Right now I'm not in a bad mood, but not in a very good one either. It's probably seasonal depression. Or hormones. Or a low brought on from my post thanks giving reduction in caloric intake. Or the nothingness that marks the time right before a change takes place. Right now I feel like I don't amount to much, like I've gotten so deep into trying to make myself into someone else that the only thing left for me is to start making myself from scratch.

obsession * footless tights

I generally like the idea of tights except that they can be, well, tight. When I wear tights they usually end up stretched out on one end and bunched on the other. Either direction they become quite uncomfortable.

I was intrigued when i first saw footless tights at American Apparel and bought a pair strictly for their aesthetic value. To my surprise I was free of all of the problems i normally experience with tights. I think that normal tights make my feet feel like they are in jail so i mess around with them and end up twisting and pulling them into an unwearable fit. But in footless tights my feet are free! Now i can wear skirts in the winter without freezing to death. And when I wear them with my favorite wrap dress it is almost impossible to distinguish me from a ballerina.

decision '08

I've noticed that i've been saying things like 'well i like it and that's all that matters' a lot lately.  And while it is true that me liking something is all that matters it's a lie to have said i like many of the things I've said i liked.  And before i go to far, the things I'm talking about are things i've done or produced or decisions i've made.  like, ya know what i mean?

I have this uncanny way of knowing the least amount of work i must do to produce an outcome acceptable to others.  Or maybe that is just a fantasy.  Maybe I've just trained people to accept a certain level of wok from me and so they are cool with what they get, if they get anything at all.

hmm.  blogging really makes you think.

That thought actually goes right along with the decision I've made.  And that decision is to have confidence in myself.  because i believe all the lies i've been telling my self about the acceptance of the work i've done have just been an attempt to talk myself into having confidence.  And maybe faking it has propelled me into making it, but in a different way then I had expected.

I that i thought that if i just believed in what i was putting out i would just start putting out something i could believe in automatically.  Right idea, misplaced effort.

Now I'm coming at things from the opposite direction and believing in my self in at the beginning of a project, believing i can do what I've taken on.  This isn't to say I expect to be perfect at everything or even that i think I'm always going to succeed, just that i believe I'm the kind of person who can approach anything with confidence.

right now i feel like i'm stuck in a molasses swamp; anger is such a sweet spot to stew

Right now i am so pissed off and i really wish not to be.  I've been critiqued and that really makes me want to be critical of others.  I've framed my criticism many different ways, but there has been hostility behind every incarnation so i have kept my thoughts to m self.  The thing is that there is something inside me that needs to get out.  Mainly I want to speak proudly about myself and the things I do well... well maybe not talk about it, but i want to be Ok with feeling proud of myself and cary myself with confidence.  And now i see how my hostel reaction to criticism is tied to the way i am constantly thinking about how others will react before i take any action.  

Now I can't figure out if need to deal with my feelings about this situation before i can be happy with who I am, or if these feelings won't fall away until I figure out how to find my worth for myself.  I'm not even going to make a guess as to which is the right way.  But I might write a fairy-tail about it.  

the best thing ever about Scritti Politti

the best thing ever about Scritti Politti is that when you search them on YouTube you get a link to the best ABC song ever! (the following is just a representation of the video you will see... because you can't embed the real video.  I guess that ABC is experiencing the same sort of oppression Cameo endured...)

my camera phone sucks

my simple submission for a local draw-on-the-street-with chalk festival.  lots of kids seemed to like it, and really who is better to judge chalk drawings than little kids.

smell my feet

some illustrations i did for a recent project

finding my voice: a summer in review

And the time I set for my voice project is over.  And I didn't really meet any of my goals, but things have changed in ways i never expected.

In all actuality my life is completely different than when this whole thing started.  And like normal the project i made up to give my self a life took a back seat to the life that started speeding up around me.  And while I wasn't working on the specific projects I had outlined for my self, I did approach the challenges that popped up for me with the same type of mindfulness I had committed my self to in the first place.

So I'd call this summer a success.  I got a lot of practice at listening, to those around me and to myself.  And I'd say all that listening helped me to strengthen my voice because I'm entering the fall with many new opportunities.  Last year at this time i couldn't have imagined doing the things I'm working on today.  And at the beginning of this summer I would have said no to the amazing invitations I have received because even just three months ago I didn't believe that was who I was, and that might be the best indicator of the return of my prodigal voice.  I am seeing my self for who i am and I'm spreading the word about what I know.

did i mention the book was called follow that boy?

when I was maybe ten or eleven I started reading this book that my cousin had taken out of the library.  It was a totally inthralling piece of sweet valley high crap and I loved it, but before i could finish my cousin took it back to the library.  And I have gone thru life not knowing if the girl in the book ever hooked up with the cute guy she kept running into on her trip to hawaii.  

For years I've kept an eye out for that book, I still take detours thru the teen section of the library from time to time hoping to see it on the shelf.  I understand that I can look it up read it whenever I like, but that would destroy the relationship I have had with this book.  As much as I hated not knowing the ending, that not knowing also sparked a sense of possibility in me that is quite exciting.

Anything can can happen... even finding that book laying on a table at my next visit to the library!

best idea ever

My desk sits behind the couch. I really like the set up, but one of the draw backs is that there isn't a place for an insperation board. That is until now...

I taped the images inspiring my current project inside a manilla folder.  I prop the folder up when I am working and can easily tuck it away when I'm finished for the day.  And when the project is complete I can store the copies of the finished project in the folder and file it away.

I think i might have to send this one into Heloise!