somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good

Things have been going really well for me lately. This partly has to do with with an apparent shift in my outlook on life which allows me to see that it isn't how others behave so much as the way i act and react that is important. And while internally I feel that I'm treading on new ground, it's also true that everything is coming up roses on the ground upon which i currently tread. I've been living with a sense of total, true contentment and haven't been troubled with thoughts about what may or may not come my way in the future... until now.

When i checked my e-mail just now I found out that the new season of Big Brother is likely to begin in February! Reading further i saw that there will be open casting calls in my town!! I am going to try to make it to the casting (not because i want to try out for the show, but because i want to see all the people who want to try out for the show) and not to start thinking 'can things get any better?'

Because when you get right down to it, even if things all go to shit at least i have three months of top quality reality TV to look forward to!

if only i'd learned from pinocchio

Today I was asked what my short and long term goals are. In the moment I drew a blank. For me the word goal has long been associated with doing something I don't want to do. Short term goals are the little chunks you break big homework projects into and long term goals all revolve around saving money for future home improvements. I said something about my goal being to have the same type of life i have right now.
How depressing of an idea is that?
It isn't that my life is depressing as is, but as I was thinking about this conversation I realized that I'd presented my life as having been painted into a corner. A very comfortable and moderately entertaining corner, but one from which escape was futile. And that is simply not true.
In the next three months I will finish writing a (first and very bad) novel.
In the next year I plan to implement content and layout changes in this website.
At first I asked myself why I would bring these things up, they don't mean anything. And then I had to put my internal critic in time out. These things mean a lot to me. They are my dreams I'm bringing to life. I specifically thought of the word dream and it scared me a little. For me the word dream has long been associated with something I know isn't going to happen. It then became clear that my internal dictionary is messed up in more ways than one. (This is a joke I'm making about my self because I can't spell.)
My ideas are my dreams. Some are silly fantasies that won't come true and some are worth the investment of my time. A dream I've decided to realize is a goal. Self doubt is the only thing in my life worth putting in a corner.

obsession * the sticky tv romance

Tonight is season premier night for two of the best unrequited love driven comedies on television; Ugly Betty and The Office. I officially like watching both of these shows because they are loaded with uniquely crafted and expertly portrayed characters. I am officially addicted to these shows because of the romantic tension between the characters. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where The Office premier was ten minutes long, consisted of Jim and Pam kissing after declaring their love for one another and was the end of the series.

I almost wish something like that would happen because it would be immensely satisfying for these characters that are so easily relateable to get together and whisk themselves away leaving us with our imaginations of their happily ever after. I understand that a show about Betty and Henry being easily in love would be excruciatingly boring, but maybe there can be a show where every three weeks we meet two people, watch them overcome obstacles to ultimately end up together and we get to move on to the next set of soon to be lovers. It can be called The Chic Flick Show and there will be no brunette Carrie Bradshaws allowed.

that 70s show

I was just watching Let's Make A Deal and noticed that one of the producer's assistants was named Richard Tugwell.

the reminder

the reminder,
originally uploaded by mcnewsletter.

This was carved into the table at the coffee shop I was at today. I don’t know if it’s in reference to the Holocaust or 9-11 or that one must specify skim milk if one wants their latte to be fat free.

surviving perfection

My cousin was almost selected to be a contestant on the new Survivor China. After making it to the final round of auditions the producers saw that, even through the most biased editing, it would be impossible to make her appear one dimensional. My cousin's lives in Hawaii and was voted back to her own island. It would have been kind of cool for her to be on the show, but what's even cooler is the fact that I won't have to watch another season of Survivor.

A couple of years ago I saw a Survivor contestant's profile on one of the morning shows. The woman's story made me cry and that made me feel very strongly about watching her on the show. While she got voted off the first episode, I stuck with it to the end. I'm like that with most all reality shows. Weather they are about backstabbing roommates or room make overs, once I start watching I won't stop till its over.

The single mindedness that reality TV brings out in me is, I believe, an example of my perfectionism. I'm not the kind of perfectionist who has to dust the knickknacks every day, I'm the kind who hasn't dusted the knickknacks ever because I don't want to do anything if a can't do everything perfectly. You know, the kind who gets on the Oprah show because of the massive amounts of crap they have horded over the years.

I am most definitely slow to start projects, especially those of the household variety. On one hand this means my bathroom is never unexpected guest ready, on the other I've yet to paint a room and be disappointed in the color. I have painted two rooms. I don't feel a great compulsion to hold on to things (when i do hold on to useless junk it's because it takes me a while to get around to getting rid of it) but that isn't to say that I'm not a hoarder. What I find it difficult to take action on and move on from are my ideas.

I write a lot and I used to hold on to the pounds of paper I'd generated. My thoughts were something I needed to keep close and reference often. When I threw all of that old material away a year ago I felt a whole lot lighter and was surprisingly inspired to work on projects I'd long before believed to be lost causes. Since then I've made it a habit to throw out most everything I hand write within a week of when it was written. I've slowly started to see what were once simply ideas transform into tangible end products. I've come a long way over the past year and I am reaching out to others as I keep my mental mess clean.

There have to be more idea mongers like me out there. While watching a reality show about hoarders I learned that they are expert at hiding their condition. If people can keep tons of stuff a secret keeping tons of ideas a secret has got to be a snap. At this point I don't know why that's important. The sense that there are others out there who share this neurosis is comforting to me and my be to others. Right now what's most important to me is that I allowed this idea to escape in all it's imperfection.

this would be sooo single white female if i weren’t married

When Britney Spears shaved her head a couple of months ago I told any one who would listen that she was trying to be like me as I shaved my own head many years ago while going thru a stressful time in my life. I now have more proof that she is sweatin my style.

This is Britney’s signature:

This is what my signature would look like if my name were Balux McNewsletter:

Oh, and another thing, I hear she’s got a blog too!