much more complicated than knowing the notes to sing

I have a nasty habit of viewing the lives of those i admire and think that if i had what they have / did what they do / valued what they value that i would have an admirable life as well.

Sometimes i really wish it could be as easy as that, and sometimes I'm grateful that it simply doesn't work that way.

Right now i feel like I'm on the verge, and weather i take flight from this point or end up falling and being spattered against the rocks below will be decided by how I approach making my life something that my dreams are made of.  I believe the best way to do this is to become more present in all aspects of my life, and so i have outlined some goals for myself for this summer.

(1) I have big projects to do around my house, but before i can think about attempting them I must clear out what is unnecessary from my home and organise those things that remain.

(2) I want to loose some weight and i want to feel healthy and energized and treat my body with the respect it deserves, and i am becoming more aware of what i eat (I plan to go on some sort of dietary cleanse as a way to give myself a fresh start in this endeavor) and exercising in a mindful and loving manor.

(3) I want to loose some weight, but i don't want to want to loose some weight.  I want to shift the way i think so i am seeking out supplemental materials  that promote a present mind and engaging in activities that allow me to practice being present.

These are broad explanations for the steps I believe it will take to find my voice.  I call it finding my voice because i want to take that spark of the eternal that is inside of me and go forth in all i do from that place.  My beliefs and standards are subject to change, but no mater song i want to be sure that it is clear who is singing.

worst nightmare

when i was a kid i had this paranoid idea that every one was against me, and that when i turned my back others would take their skin off and become skeletons.

(yes, i realize a lot can be read into this state of mind.)

so today i see this Tim Burton directed Killers video and I'm face to face with my biggest childhood fear.

And i ask myself, am i uncomfortable with the frightening idea i had as a child, or are grateful dead overtones that which truly disturb?

like a stained glass window

I recently was attuned to the first level of Reiki and have had a sporadic personal practice for the past couple of months.  One goal i have for myself this summer is to practice Reiki more regularly.  I started yesterday by offering Reiki to someone else for the first time.  I was working with my sister, and i feel bad about how i handled it.

The person who is going to receive Reiki is supposed to set an intention for them self that the giver supports during the session.  I was pushing my sister to listen to her self the way i listen to my self when setting my intentions.  But the thing is that there is no right ow wrong when it comes to Reiki.  Except if it is making the receiver feel that they aren't doing it right.  that is very very wrong.

It almost makes me want to cry when i think about how irresponsible i was.  But then i remember all the times my sister bit me when we were kids, so i'd say we are square.  I'll remember this the next time offer.

Later I practiced on myself.  I went thru the intention setting exercise and at the end i was asking myself what i was ready to know about being my self.  All that came to me were images of stained glass.  So I intended to be like stained glass.  As I allowed the energy to flow thru me the truth came to me that one can only appreciate the full brilliance of a stained glass window from the inside.

I think that's a perfect way to look at my own growth process as well as a nice reminder not to judge that of others, because i can't see whats going on inside.  

finding my voice: a project for the summer of '08

Some people have a problem choosing their battles, raging after every little thing they deem personally offensive until the world is so seemingly stacked against them it is only a matter of time until it topples over and crushes them.

Me, i have trouble fighting my battles.

I'm pretty sure I know what is worth getting upset about, but the thought of confrontation closes up my throat like in my nightmares where i'm too scared to scream.

And it isn't just standing up for what i believe.

There are so many things I want to put my energy towards, but when a starting place doesn't immediately present it self i shrug my shoulders, out on my blinders and direct my focus to the fruits of other people's labor.

And it's not only creative endeavors.

I want to be a person that I like.  I want to like me for me, not because what i do or say is pleasing to others.

And so I set out to find my voice.  This is the voice I will use to tell people about my opinions, the voice i will use to express myself.

This is the voice that will not sound weird when plaid back to me because it will not be the voice in my head, but the voice in my heart.

juxta-asana

what is my laundry trying to tell me?

obsession * cleaning products

I've never been much of a cleaner.  In the past I have tidied, wiped down and occasionally scrubbed when necessary.  The only thing I avoided more than cleaning was listening to people talk about cleaning.  

For a while i thought everything was just fine, that i had discovered the minimal amount of effort I needed to exert to keep my living quarters from becoming what could be described as grimy, and then I moved in with a boy and everything i thought i knew went down the toilet.  Or rather, every place but the toilet.  

A quick question to boys: what part of 'pee goes into the toilet' don't you understand?

Anyway my living arrangement has forced me to call in reinforcements.  I tried several different products, but i should have known that since a bald man had made the messes that bained my existence it would take another bald man to help clean them up.

My first discovery was the Mr. Clean Magic Reach.  

The magical thing about Magic Reach is that it made it possible for me to clean behind the toilet.  I didn't even know there was a behind the toilet!

Before I knew it i was telling everyone with a husband about the Magic reach and how it changed my life.  While I was spreading the good news I was introduced to the best news of all:

        

Oh, Mr. Clean Magic Eraser I bow down to your glory and pray for those who have not yet discovered and embraced your majesty!  But I vow never to impose my position about you on any one who doesn't have to clean up after a member of the fouler sex.

matter over mind

I recently decided to become more mindful of what i eat.  This wasn't meant to be a practice in eating healthy, but rather eating what i enjoy and really enjoying what i eat.  I generally get a taste for certain foods so i wasn't concerned about eating a balanced diet because i tend to crave things like spinach and salmon and if a cheese burger calls o me every once in a while so be it.

At first things were going great, when i was hungry i sought out the foods i was hungry for and when i ate i focused on savoring every mouthful.  Three weeks later i was completely satisfied with far less food and five pounds lighter.  I seemed to have figured it all out and then something completely unexpected happened... I lost my interest in food.

I didn't stop getting hungry, there just weren't any foods i wanted to eat.  For about a week i was able to avoid this problem by getting most of my calories form beer, but sooner or later i knew i had to get back on solid foods.

So i went to the store with no inspiration and simply looked at foods that i was used to getting excited about.  I came home with a couple of dense artichokes, a baby egg plant, wild mushrooms and chicken thighs.  I began to cook and the food looked good, but i wasn't ecstatic about the prospect of eating it like i normally am.  When i did sit down to eat i continued in my practice of enjoying every mouthful and when i was full i was perfectly happy with what i had eaten.

It was very easy to change my eating habits because of how into food i can be.  It was annoying and a little unsettling, but i still had to eat (weather i particularly liked what i was eating or not).  From my point of view, given the circumstances i was under, i could either choose to go hungry or stick to my practice.  And practice i did.  

I don't know if I will ever have the same passion for food i did just a month ago, and that fact isn't as scary as it might have been in the past.  This little experiment in eating has brought me to a deeper understanding of how to live; that all I need to do, all I can do, is show up and be present and honer the place i am at this moment.